Disney Messed Me Up

If you’ve read my very first post here, you’ll know that I am not a big fan of bugs. Honestly, the only bugs I don’t mind are ladybugs and that’s only because I’m in the planning stages of writing a children’s book about ladybugs and fairies. For me, bugs are mostly divided into four classes. Class 1 only consists of ladybugs and is the “Oh hey friend! Stay as long as you want, just please don’t get into my hair or clothes” class. Friendly bugs, if you will. Class 2 is the “I’m really afraid of you, but as long as you don’t come near me, I’m not going to hurt you” class. This class includes butterflies, crickets, and honeybees. Class 3 is the “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE OR I WILL KILL YOU” class and consists of mostly spiders. Class 4…. I don’t like to talk about class 4.

Class 2 bugs are very difficult for me. Some of them are so pretty from a reasonable distance, but I still don’t want them in my house. They scare me! Yes, even butterflies with their creepy legs and weird tongues frighten me a little bit. But the worst in this class, by far, is the cricket.

And that’s exactly what I came up against today.

I thought the big, dark, spiny looking bug on my kitchen floor was a spider. Like an rational woman, I grabbed the Raid and prepared to take that muffin stuffer DOWN. But as I crept towards the offending insect, I realized that it was not, in fact, a spider. Once it hopped about TEN BLOODY FEET in the air, my suspicions were confirmed. I had a cricket in the house.

You’d think that I, a strong woman with insect killing poison in my hands, would know exactly what to do. Kill the sucker and enjoy some bug free peace, right?

Wrong.

Why? Because I’m a Disney kid and whenever I look at a cricket, all I can hear is Jiminy Cricket’s voice during Wishes at the Magic Kingdom. “Pretty huh? I’ll bet a lot of you folks don’t believe that, about a wish coming true, do ya? Well, I didn’t either. Of course, I’m just a cricket, but let me tell you what changed my mind. You see the most amazing, magical things can happen… and it all starts with a wish!” And the music swells and Tinkerbell flies down from Cinderella’s Castle to the cheers of all the overtired children and thrilled parents!

What was I saying? Oh right… Crickets.

So there I was… High Noon… Facing this cricket in my kitchen with only a can of bug spray and a torn up conscience. The little black smudge stared right back at me, fearless I’m sure. Keeping my eye on it, I reached for a glass in the hopes that I could trap the little fella before releasing him into the wild. But every move I made, the cricket made as well, leaping and bounding into cracks and crevices too small for me. How pathetic is it that I spent upwards of fifteen minutes chasing this little bug around my kitchen and dining room with a broom, yelling, “Come back! I don’t want to kill you, ya little b@#%#@! I just want to get rid of you!” Eventually I captured him and set him free outside. All without touching him too, which deeply relieved me..

It was your lucky day, Jiminy. I let my conscience be my guide. I hope you wished for freedom because you got it. But the best part is, you’ll never run out of wishes. They’re shining deep down inside of you. Because that, my friends, is where the magic lives.

Yeah… Disney really messed me up.