I know there was no rational reason to think I was actually pregnant. With some extenuating medical circumstance, the chances of us getting naturally pregnant are 1 out of 1,000.
But I felt pregnant for several weeks. I kept praying and begging God that we had a miracle. I cried and prayed every single day. And I had so many symptoms.
And then the blood came.
I’m sitting on my kitchen floor, bawling my eyes out because I’m not pregnant. That baby I wanted so badly and kept praying for doesn’t exist. All the really uncomfortable symptoms I was having was just a stomach bug and weird long PMS symptoms. A part of me feels like the rug has been ripped out from under me.
And the other part has nothing but praise.
Not praise for the situation. No, my heart is feeling really broken right now. But praise that God always gives us what we need. He’s not holding out on us, He gives us all we require in His timing.
I really want a baby. I want a baby so badly that my body physically hurts with longing. And Satan knows it. Every time a newborn picture flashes across my Instagram, I feel the liar trying to get me to be angry. I even had an Instagram ad try to sell me witchcraft, offering candles to light for a healthy pregnancy. (Side Note: this is what comes from googling pregnancy symptoms and Dungeons and Dragons spells… the marketing algorithms don’t know what to do with me) A baby is a good and beautiful thing! But I can’t let myself fall into sin trying to get it.
God has never left me wanting. Even in the times of greatest distress in my life, God has never failed to love me and provide for me. And my life is in the LEAST distress ever. I have the biggest blessings in my life and all I can do is thank God for all He’s doing for me.
Someday we’ll be able to afford all the surgeries and whatnot we would need to be able to get pregnant. Or maybe not. Maybe I have to be content with the two beautiful girls I have. I don’t know what the future brings, but I know that God is perfect and I am not. His plans are so much better than my plans. I must content myself with being a good steward of the wonderful gifts He has given me now, and trust that whatever else He might give me in the future is for my good and His glory. If He works a miracle and gives us another child, I will be amazed and won’t shut up about how wonderful and good He is. And if not, He is still good. He is good whether I get what I want or not. And in His goodness, He provides what I need.
I’m sad that I’m not pregnant. But I’m glad that I am held fast by a perfect God.